Ring, Ring....

Yes that was supposed to be phones. So today was a better day, work (thank god) then reading and munching chips. Then shopping for my new phone! I had fun. Shopping always cheers me up. Except for the fact that I'm totally broke now... oh well. Trying really hard not to think about him today, so no more story for you my dear. I'm even going to try sleeping without meds. But really quickly before I go, because my resolve is not that firm and I think I secretly put this all out into cyberspace in hopes that you will read it. I love him still with all my being. And my plan now is to learn to live without that part of me. We will see. Goodnight world!
All my love,
Claire

Scatterbrain

Yep that's been me today! It's Sunday, I knew it would be rough. No work, appointments, or anything else consuming to do. My first act of the day was to throw my bathrobe into the wash, forgetting that my cell phone was still in the pocket. It's dead. Later I went shopping with my sis, when I got to the register the total was way more than I had added in my head. But I paid it anyway. There has been nothing to distract me the rest of today but a mild father's day dinner, and thoughts of the past. After elementary school he and I went our separate ways. But even at different schools we enjoyed the fabulous invention of AIM, and regularly e-mailed each other. Mostly jokey stuff. I told him about all of my love interests, and he commiserated with me when they didn't work out. We went to the movies often, never in a date context of course. Every year when my family threw our Halloween party his mom drove him to our house. One time as his family came to our door I went out to greet them in my strapless fairy dress. I don't remember what he was but he shot a nerf gun right at me and the little foam bullet fell straight between my boobs and got stuck. Those were good times, there are some adorable pictures of us together. He never had a girlfriend, and I think I secretly felt that he was mine.

The Beginning

So here I am after working all day (it's Saturday) and 4 glasses of wine and I still have too much time to think. So I guess I will start telling you my story. My first memory is October 26 1990, I was two and a half. It's a feeling more than a memory really. I remember being in my pajamas standing in the doorway of my grandparents house. My mom was pregnant, my dad had a suitcase. After that I have vague memories of life growing up with my sister. I met him in preschool, I don't remember it but my mom and his mom have told me so. My first memory of him is in third grade. I remember him joining the class in the middle of the year, he sat in the desk across from me. Dark hair, dark eyes, and a more round boyish face than he has now. We became friends in elementary school. He teased me and tried to shock me as young boys do with young girls. But we were friends. Sometimes his mom would take me to school and my mom would pick him up. Once on the way to school she was quizzing us on spelling words, and he accused me of cheating....I think I was. When he came to my house he made me look bad, always doing his homework and only eating healthy snacks. But now the sleeping pill is kicking in my dear so the story is to be continued....

Why am I here?

I really don't mean that metaphorically. This is not about the big question. I am doing this to occupy my brain for a while. You know that site FML? Well sometimes when I'm having a bad day I will go there to read about other peoples worse days, and it tends to make me feel better. I'm sure that says something bad about me. So there is the why, as in 'why am i doing this?'. So who am I writing to? You! You my dear reader. I'm not sure why I'm writing to you. Actually I'm exactly sure. I'm lonely and sad and my head has entirely too much free time. So in some way I am thinking that by putting this, my virtual story out into the universe and thinking that it may eventually reach you I will heal...and maybe, learn something?